You know you’ve got issues when even your therapist is bugging you about starting to date again …

But it’s like this; I’m scared. I’m scared to death of repeating the same mistakes that I made when I was married. I’m afraid that I will still not be able to open up and share who I am with the person I love. So right now, it’s easier to just avoid the situation.

And then there’s this … my competitive days are long behind me. I’m not intimidated by women who are better at something than I am; in fact quite the opposite, I find it extremely attractive. I prefer active, fit women, but my corresponding fitness is not there, and it will take time to retrieve.

I’m not looking for a training partner; if you’re racing, I’ll be the guy on the sidelines who makes sure you’re being taken care of during the race. Need food/water/clothing hand-ups? I’m your man. I prefer to be behind-the-scenes making an event a success for others, rather than killing myself to finish mid-pack or worse. I want to be with someone who wants support from her partner, not competition.

But it seems that most of the women I am meeting not only have this huge competitive streak in them, but are looking for the same in their partner; which just doesn’t make sense to me. I don’t see how two people can have a healthy relationship when they’re always competing with each other, and yet it seems like when athletes get together, much of the competition is within the relationship as well.

And to me, that’s just wrong.

I ride my bike to ride my bike … and the main reason why I seldom ride with more than one or two other people (when I’m not riding alone) is because most group rides turn into some sort of big swinging (virtual or actual) dick contest. That’s not what I’m about. If I’m not paying money and pinning a number on, then I’m not racing … and it’s really easy for me to just say “see ya!” when the people I ride with start acting as though every ride is a race.

The downside of this is that I spend a lot of time alone … which when you are dysthymic is not really healthy either. I reach out to my friends, but unless we have made specific plans, I tend not to follow-through and nothing happens. And thus I get lonelier and feel like my friends don’t want to hang out with me; when in reality, they could very much feel like I don’t want to hang out with them either, because I don’t follow-through or flake. I know that friendship is a two-way street, but I find it very difficult to offer much of myself, even when I think that the people I’m with are some of the nicest, kindest, and coolest people I’ve ever met.

I’ve been this way nearly all my life … and I know that much of it is a protective measure from how much I used to move around when I was a kid; a different school every year or two doesn’t lend itself to long-lasting relationships … and when I do start building a relationship that means something, inevitably I feel like I’m going to sabotage it somehow.

And so I keep working on myself; keep seeing the crazy doctor, keep taking the happy pills, keep reaching out … and keep trying to follow-through.

Fastgrrrl’s crrrrent post reminds me that one should keep the following three things in mind when it comes to successful pursuits:

1. Be desireless.
2. Be excellent.
3. Be gone.

At least according to the Tao of Steve … only problem is that I’m a pretty lousy Steve, which is probably why I go by Steven instead.

I’ve also been known to answer to Stevo, as e-RICHIE calls me, stamping it as part of the serial number on one of the two bikes he’s built me; and even Stevie, as The Mistress often calls me …

So if Steve McQueen is one of the three pillars of the Tao of Steve … is there a such thing as Steve-zen for the more esoteric amongst us?

… just how very much alone I am right now. And I don’t like it … I don’t like it at all.

It is so hard to open yourself up and put yourself out there; and when it doesn’t work, it’s so difficult to continue to do so, because of the fear of getting hurt again and again.

And how do you maintain friendships in those situations, when it seems like one day the connection is so strong, but the next it’s gone?

For more than 10 years I’ve been dealing with this to one extent or another, with one person or another, and it never gets easier … it only gets more difficult with each successive failure, especially the ones that were years in the making.

I spent so many years alone in San Francisco, that you’d think I’d be used to it by now, that it would be a familiar feeling … But there is a vast difference between being alone, and being lonely; and right now I don’t have the blessed feeling of solitude, but the crushing feeling of isolation.

So the past couple of weeks, I’ve been interviewing for a job in New York … this past Monday, I was made an offer. Unfortunately, I had to turn down the offer because it didn’t make financial sense … with no relocation package and only a 15% raise (compared to to the 80% increase on cost-of-living between Salt Lake and White Plains), I simply cannot afford to accept the job.

But that’s not the big move. The big move is that I actually got an offer, countered, and entered negotiations. My usual tactic would be to somehow self-sabotage myself during the interview process so that the offer never even came.

I have fears, but I’m not sure if it’s of failure or success, so I tend to subconciously do something to ensure that I don’t have to make a decision … in this case, I wanted the job, they wanted me, and it was truly simply a matter of money.

I feel validated and encouraged … I feel like I’ve made a big step forward in self-growth and understanding. Now, I need to keep the momentum going …