California ban on same-sex marriage struck down

(CNN) — In a much-anticipated 4-3 ruling issued Thursday, the California Supreme Court struck down the state’s ban on same-sex marriage as unconstitutional

The ruling clears the way for the state to become the second to legalize same-sex marriage.

Several gay and lesbian couples — along with the city of San Francisco and gay rights groups — had sued, saying they were victims of unlawful discrimination.

A lower court ruled San Francisco acted unlawfully in issuing marriage licenses to same-sex couples, but Thursday’s ruling overturned that decision.

“In contrast to earlier times, our state now recognizes that an individual’s capacity to establish a loving and long-term committed relationship with another person and responsibly to care for and raise children does not depend upon the individual’s sexual orientation,” the court said in the 120-page ruling, “and, more generally, that an individual’s sexual orientation — like a person’s race or gender — does not constitute a legitimate basis upon which to deny or withhold legal rights.

“We therefore conclude that in view of the substance and significance of the fundamental constitutional right to form a family relationship, the California Constitution properly must be interpreted to guarantee this basic civil right to all Californians, whether gay or heterosexual, and to same-sex couples as well as to opposite-sex couples.”

I’ve always felt that it was just plain wrong to deny gay couples involved in a committed long-term and loving relationship the same basic rights that a violent, abusive husband has simply by virtue that his wife hasn’t yet filed for divorce.

As the Court’s Opinion states:

… an individual’s capacity to establish a loving and long-term committed relationship with another person and responsibly to care for and raise children does not depend upon the individual’s sexual orientation, and, more generally, that an individual’s sexual orientation — like a person’s race or gender — does not constitute a legitimate basis upon which to deny or withhold legal rights. We therefore conclude that in view of the substance and significance of the fundamental constitutional right to form a family relationship, the California Constitution properly must be interpreted to guarantee this basic civil right to all Californians, whether gay or heterosexual, and to same-sex couples as well as to opposite-sex couples.

“For it is not inertia alone that is responsible for human relationships repeating themselves from case to case, indescribably monotonous and unrenewed: it is shyness before any sort of new, unforeseeable experience with which one does not think oneself able to cope. But only someone who is ready for everything, who excludes nothing, not even the most enigmatical, will live the relation to another as something alive and will himself draw exhaustively from his own existence.”

  — Rainier Maria Rilke (1875 - 1926), German poet.

You know you’ve got issues when even your therapist is bugging you about starting to date again …

But it’s like this; I’m scared. I’m scared to death of repeating the same mistakes that I made when I was married. I’m afraid that I will still not be able to open up and share who I am with the person I love. So right now, it’s easier to just avoid the situation.

And then there’s this … my competitive days are long behind me. I’m not intimidated by women who are better at something than I am; in fact quite the opposite, I find it extremely attractive. I prefer active, fit women, but my corresponding fitness is not there, and it will take time to retrieve.

I’m not looking for a training partner; if you’re racing, I’ll be the guy on the sidelines who makes sure you’re being taken care of during the race. Need food/water/clothing hand-ups? I’m your man. I prefer to be behind-the-scenes making an event a success for others, rather than killing myself to finish mid-pack or worse. I want to be with someone who wants support from her partner, not competition.

But it seems that most of the women I am meeting not only have this huge competitive streak in them, but are looking for the same in their partner; which just doesn’t make sense to me. I don’t see how two people can have a healthy relationship when they’re always competing with each other, and yet it seems like when athletes get together, much of the competition is within the relationship as well.

And to me, that’s just wrong.

I ride my bike to ride my bike … and the main reason why I seldom ride with more than one or two other people (when I’m not riding alone) is because most group rides turn into some sort of big swinging (virtual or actual) dick contest. That’s not what I’m about. If I’m not paying money and pinning a number on, then I’m not racing … and it’s really easy for me to just say “see ya!” when the people I ride with start acting as though every ride is a race.

The downside of this is that I spend a lot of time alone … which when you are dysthymic is not really healthy either. I reach out to my friends, but unless we have made specific plans, I tend not to follow-through and nothing happens. And thus I get lonelier and feel like my friends don’t want to hang out with me; when in reality, they could very much feel like I don’t want to hang out with them either, because I don’t follow-through or flake. I know that friendship is a two-way street, but I find it very difficult to offer much of myself, even when I think that the people I’m with are some of the nicest, kindest, and coolest people I’ve ever met.

I’ve been this way nearly all my life … and I know that much of it is a protective measure from how much I used to move around when I was a kid; a different school every year or two doesn’t lend itself to long-lasting relationships … and when I do start building a relationship that means something, inevitably I feel like I’m going to sabotage it somehow.

And so I keep working on myself; keep seeing the crazy doctor, keep taking the happy pills, keep reaching out … and keep trying to follow-through.

Had an appointment with the crazy doctor tonight … and I’ve got a lot of thinking to do about some of the things that have been going through my head the past week or so.

Things like:

1. Beating myself up for stepping out of my comfort zone, and failing. Rather than beating myself up, I should be proud that I allowed myself to go into a situation where I might fail.
2. Trying to figure out what it will take to stop falling for people who are not available. I know why I do; as long as the people I’m attracted to are not available, either because they’re already in a relationship, because they live far away from me, or because it’s just not a good match due to lifestyle differences, then I don’t have to worry about opening myself up … I can just keep my walls where they are, and let them get higher and thicker and more impenetrable.
3. Figuring out what I’m going to do with my career.

In reality, it’s all about dealing with my anxiety, learning how to control it, without letting it control me. It’s about continuing to put myself out there with my friends, continuing to risk, and continuing to live life.

I’ve said it before; if not on this blog, then elsewhere …

I love chick flicks, especially of the romantic comedy sort. Perhaps it comes from being raised by women; or perhaps I just have a keenly defined sense of the aesthetic and am not afraid to let my self experience emotion (except in terms of my own relationships, in which I’m deathly afraid to do so).

I just finished watching The Jane Austen Book Club. The Netflix blurb has this to say about the film:

Six book club members find their lives resemble a modern-day version of Jane Austen’s novels in this drama. Sylvia’s (Amy Brenneman) husband of 20-plus years has walked out; Jocelyn (Maria Bello) breeds dogs to escape loneliness; Prudie (Emily Blunt) dreams of other men; Bernadette (Kathy Baker) hopes to find Mr. Right; Allegra (Maggie Grace) has issues with her girlfriend; and Grigg (Hugh Dancy), the only man, wonders why he’s even in the club.

It’s so much more, actually … for one, it’s not truly a drama, although it has a few dramatic moments, the film is presented with much more of a light note, showing the humor that can be found in even the most difficult of situations.

It’s a complex exploration of relationships, not only romantically, but betwixt the characters of the film itself. The sole male member of the club cannot make the first move on the woman with whom he is in love, even though she (in complete denial of her own feelings towards him) pushes him towards another member. A teacher, whose own marriage is falling apart, finds herself falling for a student … will she be able to resist the temptation?

Perhaps I should pick up one or two (or all six) of Miss Austen’s novels to find out what so captivated the characters in the film, as well as the novel on which it was based.

There is a theory in cognitive therapy that people repeat the same patterns because our minds become used to traveling particular neural paths; and thus seek those paths.

It’s sort of the mental equivalent of commuting … where you always take the same route to work, even though you know that sometimes traffic is really going to suck, instead of seeking a new/better way of getting where you need to go.

This also helps explain why people who have certain maladaptive schemas tend to keep being attracted to the same types of people. For example, the emotionally deprived (like my ex-wife) are constantly attracted to the emotionally inhibited (like me), and vice-versa.

The former believes that their desire for a normal degree of emotional support will not be adequately met by others; and this is reinforced by the latter’s inability to express spontaneous action, feeling, or communication — usually to avoid disapproval by others, feelings of shame, or losing control of one’s impulses.

By the same token, since the former is constantly seeking emotional approval and support, the latter begins to shut-down emotionally because they’re afraid they won’t be able to fulfill their partner’s needs.

It takes a conscious effort to break the patterns, but generally unless/until you understand why, you’ll continue to repeat them.

Some people can do it on their own, but to really understand why and change, most people need therapy. The problem is that few actually admit this to themselves and seek it out.

I don’t want to repeat the same patterns in my next relationship … my marriage falling apart was the most devastating thing ever to happen to me, and yet as far as divorces go, it was one of the easiest, as we had nothing to fight about … and so I am actively in therapy, and still on happy pills just to deal with the daily anxiety about my own self-worth.

Does this make me a weak man? I sure hope not. In fact, I believe this is making me a stronger man in the long run.

Seems like a lot of my friends are wondering if it’s possible for men and women to be friends without the ugly spectre of sex rearing its head.

Here’s my take on the issue, from a guy’s perspective … it is possible to maintain a simple friendship with a woman without the relationship being sexual. But it’s not always easy.

Friendships might have to go through a phase where lame pick-up lines get dropped, but I think most guys just do it because “it’s expected” … and that they wouldn’t really know how to react if the recipient of the line actually said yes. I sure know I wouldn’t know quite what to do if someone responded positively to some of the juvenile raunch that rolls off my tongue.

• Him: “Hey, wanna f–k?”
• Her: “Sure!”
• Him: “Uh … uh … oh crap, what do I do now? … fumble … fumble … oh, I was just kidding, heh heh heh.”

And yeah, I really think that all men are that shallow. The question is whether or not guys can get past thinking with their dicks instead of with their heads and hearts.

Personally, I find women who can school me on a bike or on the slopes extremely attractive … the problem is not letting my self-esteem issues get in the way after that, which could kill any potential attraction back. I will freely admit that there are a number of people that I am attracted to, and I’m sure it’s obvious. I’ve even told some of them exactly how I feel.

But to me, the friendship is way more important, and there’s no way I’d do anything to jeopardize that. At least, I hope not. With at least one of these people, we’ve been able to maintain and build a good friendship over the past couple of years, and I cherish that more than anything else.

Not to mention that, considering where my head is right now, it wouldn’t be a real good idea to get involved with anyone anyway …

I need friends, as much as anyone does, even though I tend to put forward this moody loner façade. And the fact is that I am often (albeit not always) more comfortable being around women than I am being around other men. I’m sure that has to do with being primarily raised by women (my great-grandmother, grandmother, mother, and aunt), since my parents split up when I was young.

The difficult part, as always, is how to keep looking past physical attraction to find out who another person is inside.