A NATION’S STRENGTH

What makes a nation’s pillars high
And it’s foundations strong?
What makes it mighty to defy
The foes that round it throng?

It is not gold. Its kingdoms grand
Go down in battle shock;
Its shafts are laid on sinking sand,
Not on abiding rock.

Is it the sword? Ask the red dust
Of empires passed away;
The blood has turned their stones to rust,
Their glory to decay.

And is it pride? Ah, that bright crown
Has seemed to nations sweet;
But God has struck its luster down
In ashes at his feet.

Not gold but only men can make
A people great and strong;
Men who for truth and honor’s sake
Stand fast and suffer long.

Brave men who work while others sleep,
Who dare while others fly…
They build a nation’s pillars deep
And lift them to the sky.

  — Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 - 1882), American author, poet, and philosopher

SNOW PATROL - ISOLATION (John Lennon Cover)

People say we got it made
Don’t they know we’re so afraid?
Isolation
We’re afraid to be alone
Everybody got to have a home
Isolation

Just a boy and a little girl
Trying to change the whole wide world
Isolation
The world is just a little town
Everybody trying to put us down
Isolation

I don’t expect you to understand
After you’ve caused so much pain
But then again, you’re not to blame
You’re just a human, a victim of the insane

We’re afraid of everyone
Afraid of the sun
Isolation
The sun will never disappear
But the world may not have many years
Isolation

SUICIDAL TENDENCIES - INSTITUTIONALIZED

Sometimes I try to do things, and it just doesn’t work out the way I want it to, and I get real frustrated, and like, I try hard to do it, and I like, take my time, but it just doesn’t work out the way I want it to, it’s like I concentrate on it real hard, but it just doesn’t work out, and everything I do and everything I try, it never turns out, it’s like I need time to figure these things out, but there’s always someone there going:

- Hey Mike, you know, we’ve been noticing you’ve been having a lot of problems lately, you know, and you should maybe get away, and like, maybe you should talk about it, you’ll feel a lot better.

And I go:

- No, it’s ok, you know, I’ll figure it out, just leave me alone, I’ll figure it out, you know, I’ll just work it out myself.

And they go:

- Well, you know, if you wanna talk about it, I’ll be here, you know, and you’ll probably feel a lot better if you talk about it, so why don’t you talk about it?

I go:

- No, I don’t want to, I’m okay, I’ll figure it out myself!

And they just keep bugging me, they just keep bugging me, and it builds up inside!

So you’re gonna be institutionalized
You’ll come out brainwashed with bloodshot eyes
You won’t have any say
They’ll brainwash you until you see their way

I’m not crazy - institutionalized
You’re the one who’s crazy - institutionalized
You’re driving me crazy - institutionalized

They stick me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
To give me needed professional help
To protect me from the enemy, myself

I was in my room, and I was just, like, staring at the walls, thinking about everything, but then again I was thinking about nothing, and then my mom came in and I didn’t notice she was there and she called my name and I didn’t hear her and then she started screaming:

- Mike, Mike!

And I go:

- What, what’s the matter?

She goes:

- What’s the matter with you?

I go:

- There’s nothing wrong, mom

She goes:

- Don’t tell me that! You’re on drugs!

I go:

- No mom, I’m not on drugs, I’m ok, I’m just thinking, you know, why don’t you get me a Pepsi?

She goes:

- No, you’re on drugs!

I go:

- Mom, I’m okay, I’m just thinking

And she goes:

- No, you’re not thinking, you’re on drugs! Normal people don’t act that way!

I go:

- Mom, just get me a Pepsi, please, all I want is a Pepsi

And she wouldn’t give it to me! All I wanted was a Pepsi, just one Pepsi, and she wouldn’t give it to me! Just a Pepsi!

They give you a white shirt with long sleeves
Tied around you’re back, you’re treated like thieves
Drug you up because they’re lazy
It’s too much work to help a crazy

I’m not crazy - institutionalized
You’re the one who’s crazy - institutionalized
You’re driving me crazy - institutionalized

They stick me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help
To protect me from the enemy, myself

I was sitting in my room, and my mom and my dad came in, and they pulled up a chair and they sat down, they go:

- Mike, we need to talk to you.

And I go:

- Okay, what’s the matter?

They go:

- Me and your mom, we’ve been noticing lately you’ve been having a lot of problems, and you’ve been going off for no reason, and we’re afraid you’re going to hurt somebody, and we’re afraid you’re gonna hurt yourself, so we decided that it would be in your best interest if we put you somewhere where you could get the help that you need.

And I go:

- Wait, what are you talking about?! WE decided?! MY best interest?! How do you know what MY best interest is?! How can you say what MY best interest is?! What are you trying to say? I’m crazy?! When I went to YOUR schools, I went to YOUR churches, I went to YOUR institutional learning facilities?! So how can you say I’m crazy?

They say they’re gonna fix my brain
Alleviate my suffering and my pain
But by the time they fix my head
Mentally I’ll be dead

I’m not crazy - institutionalized
You’re the one that’s crazy - institutionalized
You’re driving me crazy - institutionalized

They stick me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help
To protect me from the enemy, myself

It doesn’t matter, I’ll probably get hit by a car anyway.

MARILYN MANSON - THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE

And I don’t want you, and I don’t need you
Don’t bother to resist, or I’ll beat you
It’s not your fault that you’re always wrong
The weak ones are there to justify the strong

The beautiful people, the beautiful people
It’s all relative to the size of your steeple
You can’t see the forest for the trees
And you can’t smell your own shit on your knees

There’s no time to discriminate
Hate every motherfucker that’s in your way

Hey, you, what do you see?
Something beautiful, something free?
Hey, you, are you trying to be mean?
When you live with apes, man, it’s hard to be clean

The worms will live in every host
It’s hard to tell which one they hate the most
The horrible people, the horrible people
It’s all anatomic as the size of your steeple
Capitalism has made it this way
Old-fashioned fascism
Will take it away

Hey you, what do you see?
Something beautiful, something free?
Hey you, are you trying to be mean?
When you live with apes, man, it’s hard to be clean

There’s no time to discriminate
Hate every motherfucker that’s in your way

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey

The beautiful people, the beautiful people
The beautiful people, the beautiful people
The beautiful people, the beautiful people
The beautiful people, the beautiful people

Hey, you, what do you see?
Something beautiful and something free?
Hey you, are you trying to be mean?
When you live with apes, man, it’s hard to be clean
Hey, you, what do you see?
Something beautiful and something free?
Hey you, are you trying to be mean?
When you live with apes, man, it’s hard to be clean

The beautiful people, the beautiful people
The beautiful people, the beautiful people
The beautiful people, the beautiful people
The beautiful people, the beautiful people

You know you’ve got issues when even your therapist is bugging you about starting to date again …

But it’s like this; I’m scared. I’m scared to death of repeating the same mistakes that I made when I was married. I’m afraid that I will still not be able to open up and share who I am with the person I love. So right now, it’s easier to just avoid the situation.

And then there’s this … my competitive days are long behind me. I’m not intimidated by women who are better at something than I am; in fact quite the opposite, I find it extremely attractive. I prefer active, fit women, but my corresponding fitness is not there, and it will take time to retrieve.

I’m not looking for a training partner; if you’re racing, I’ll be the guy on the sidelines who makes sure you’re being taken care of during the race. Need food/water/clothing hand-ups? I’m your man. I prefer to be behind-the-scenes making an event a success for others, rather than killing myself to finish mid-pack or worse. I want to be with someone who wants support from her partner, not competition.

But it seems that most of the women I am meeting not only have this huge competitive streak in them, but are looking for the same in their partner; which just doesn’t make sense to me. I don’t see how two people can have a healthy relationship when they’re always competing with each other, and yet it seems like when athletes get together, much of the competition is within the relationship as well.

And to me, that’s just wrong.

I ride my bike to ride my bike … and the main reason why I seldom ride with more than one or two other people (when I’m not riding alone) is because most group rides turn into some sort of big swinging (virtual or actual) dick contest. That’s not what I’m about. If I’m not paying money and pinning a number on, then I’m not racing … and it’s really easy for me to just say “see ya!” when the people I ride with start acting as though every ride is a race.

The downside of this is that I spend a lot of time alone … which when you are dysthymic is not really healthy either. I reach out to my friends, but unless we have made specific plans, I tend not to follow-through and nothing happens. And thus I get lonelier and feel like my friends don’t want to hang out with me; when in reality, they could very much feel like I don’t want to hang out with them either, because I don’t follow-through or flake. I know that friendship is a two-way street, but I find it very difficult to offer much of myself, even when I think that the people I’m with are some of the nicest, kindest, and coolest people I’ve ever met.

I’ve been this way nearly all my life … and I know that much of it is a protective measure from how much I used to move around when I was a kid; a different school every year or two doesn’t lend itself to long-lasting relationships … and when I do start building a relationship that means something, inevitably I feel like I’m going to sabotage it somehow.

And so I keep working on myself; keep seeing the crazy doctor, keep taking the happy pills, keep reaching out … and keep trying to follow-through.

We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.

Note those first three words in the Preamble to the Constitution, quoted above. “We the People” … we, the people of the United States of America … the people. That’s us. That’s all of us. It’s you, it’s me … it’s Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton; it’s John McCain, and unfortunately, it’s also George W. Bush, who has done his best over the past 7+ years to take America out of the hands of the People, and concentrate it in the hands of the few.

This election cycle is about so much more than race, than the war in Iraq, than the economy. It’s about the people of the United States, people who are desperate for change; people who need change.

And the only way to help ensure change is to participate; to get active … to speak your mind … and to vote.

Had an appointment with the crazy doctor tonight … and I’ve got a lot of thinking to do about some of the things that have been going through my head the past week or so.

Things like:

1. Beating myself up for stepping out of my comfort zone, and failing. Rather than beating myself up, I should be proud that I allowed myself to go into a situation where I might fail.
2. Trying to figure out what it will take to stop falling for people who are not available. I know why I do; as long as the people I’m attracted to are not available, either because they’re already in a relationship, because they live far away from me, or because it’s just not a good match due to lifestyle differences, then I don’t have to worry about opening myself up … I can just keep my walls where they are, and let them get higher and thicker and more impenetrable.
3. Figuring out what I’m going to do with my career.

In reality, it’s all about dealing with my anxiety, learning how to control it, without letting it control me. It’s about continuing to put myself out there with my friends, continuing to risk, and continuing to live life.