A number of friends going through events I can’t really help them with, as much as I want to … I recognize that some things people have to deal with in their own time, in their own manner.

I’m also feeling very isolated & alone myself, [...]]]> Feeling very down in the dumps today.

A number of friends going through events I can’t really help them with, as much as I want to … I recognize that some things people have to deal with in their own time, in their own manner.

I’m also feeling very isolated & alone myself, like my connections are very tenuous and fleeting … not only do I wonder who I can count on on there when times are rough, but also am feeling like there’s really no one out there with whom I can share my successes and joys (not that have been many of those recently).

I find myself wondering if I should pack up and leave Utah behind me, much as I did San Francisco when moving here almost 10 years ago. Of course, when I moved then, I was newly married, and Kim and I were starting on a new adventure together. Now, I feel like I’m looking for as escape from everything that’s wrong in my life and the world.

Unfortunately, there’s really no way to leave that stuff behind.

As commonly attributed to Confucius (but popularized by Buckaroo Banzai), “no matter where you go, there you are.” You can’t leave yourself behind, no matter how much you may want to.

In the end one simply withdraws From others and time, one’s own time, Becoming an imaginary Everyman Inhabiting a few rooms, personifying The urge to tend one’s garden, A character of no strong attachments Who made nothing happen, and to whom Nothing ever actually happened—a fictitious Man whose life was [...]]]> FEAR OF THE FUTURE

In the end one simply withdraws
From others and time, one’s own time,
Becoming an imaginary Everyman
Inhabiting a few rooms, personifying
The urge to tend one’s garden,
A character of no strong attachments
Who made nothing happen, and to whom
Nothing ever actually happened—a fictitious
Man whose life was over from the start,
Like a diary or a daybook whose poems
And stories told the same story over
And over again, or no story. The pictures
And paintings hang crooked on the walls,
The limbs beneath the sheets are frail and cold
And morning is an exercise in memory
Of a long failure, and of the years
Mirrored in the face of the immaculate
Child who can’t believe he’s old.

  — John Koethe (b. 1945)

I think part of my malaise today comes from reading Mama Grrrlie’s most recent blog entry on turning 39. MG [...]]]> It’s a gorgeous spring afternoon … and what am I doing? I’m sitting on my couch composing this stupid blog entry about my complete and utter lack of motivation to get outside and do anything.

I think part of my malaise today comes from reading Mama Grrrlie’s most recent blog entry on turning 39. MG is using the fact that she has a year before she turns 40 as a motivating factor.

I hit 45 next month. For some reason, that’s hitting me even harder than 40 did. To be honest, for the most part 40 was not that bad, except for one major life changing event (divorce), which as difficult as it was to experience really helped me to jumpstart and reexamine how I’ve been living my life.

I’ve made a lot of changes over the past 5 years, almost all of which I think are for the better … and yet, I still struggle with things at times, and this upcoming birthday feels almost as bad as when I turned 20, since I was no longer a teenager, but still not a fully legal adult. I think part of it is because of the realization that, at least if my family’s history holds true, I’ve got less time in front of me than behind me.

I’m trying to be positive, but I think MG is doing a much better job staying on the sunny side of the street, whereas I feel like I’m lurking in the shadows, struggling to step into the sun, where I really want to be.

Ah, dysthymia, how I’ve missed thee.

So the plan is to ski tomorrow … haven’t decided on an easy groomer day at Deer Valley, or a whatever I can find day at Solitude … and to ride on Sunday, perhaps another attack on Emigration Canyon to see if I can improve my time from my first attempt of the season last month.

Regardless, the first step will be to suit up and step outside.

Fuck you and the horse on which you rode into my life … and right back out of my life. I asked you nicely, and you just laughed in my face.

You know how much I care about you … why must you be so elusive, playing hard to get? [...]]]> My dearest Sleep –

Fuck you and the horse on which you rode into my life … and right back out of my life. I asked you nicely, and you just laughed in my face.

You know how much I care about you … why must you be so elusive, playing hard to get? Why must you treat me so cruelly? I promised that if you gave me a chance, I would do everything in my power to show that I am worthy of your embrace.

I don’t really need you. I’ve been surviving for a very long time without you, and will continue to do so if necessary. I’m tired of bring your plaything, of being teased into thinking that our relationship might actually go somewhere, only for you to snatch it away at the last second, much like Lucy with Charlie Brown’s football.

Unlike Mr. Brown, I know that sometimes it’s better to just cut all ties and walk away … and so, this is what I find myself doing.

Oh, I’m sure you’ll try to sneak back in every once in awhile, and in moments of weakness I may succumb to your pleasures, but it will be a meaningless tryst … purely physical.

It’s your own fault for abandoning me when I needed you most. Sleep, thou art a cruel mistress …

Letter to my mom this past weekend, for her 72nd birthday:

Want to wish you the happiest of happy days today … or at least as happy as a day that coincides with the anniversary of [...]]]> … and this is what I’ve recently had to say to the two most important women in my life.

Letter to my mom this past weekend, for her 72nd birthday:

Want to wish you the happiest of happy days today … or at least as happy as a day that coincides with the anniversary of a tragedy (and associated socio-political and pseudo-religious BS pervading the media) can be.

I’ve been thinking about family lots lately, and I know that I am truly lucky to have you as my mother; oh, sure, we annoy each other sometimes … that’s what mothers and sons do, but I’d like to think that you raised me to to be a good person and a good man, and to my mind, that’s the best sign of successful parenting; for when it really comes down to it, if you don’t have the love and respect of your family, then you have nothing.

So while I may not always show it in a timely manner, you are always with me in my heart … and whenever I make a decision in life, I think about how I was raised … by you, by Gramma, by Uncle Gene, by our family; all of whom are a part of you, all of whom are a part of me … and try to make the right decision, even if it’s not necessarily the decision I want to make.

I do love you … and I do respect you, more than I can ever really express.

I truly hope that you have a fantastic birthday today.

Much love!

And to my ex-wife, with whom I still have a pretty good relationship, even if we rarely see each other anymore. I’m glad that, as divorces go, mine was a good one.

All I’ve ever wanted in a partner is someone I can love, and who will love me in return.

What I didn’t realize and was afraid of was the true necessity of putting in the work to allow that love to continue to develop and grow and thrive, rather than just bursting into one fantastic bloom before dying off.

Just because you have some history that affects the way that you react to certain kinds of stimuli does not negate the fact that you are an incredible person. You just need someone who can see beyond that, and is willing and able to help you see and accept that within yourself.

I have my own history, as you are well aware, but I now know and accept that I am a good person, and a good man … and if and when I meet the next right person, I feel confident that things will turn out differently than they did with our marriage.

You are still one of the best things to have ever happened to me; and I still firmly believe that we were each what the other person needed, at least during our time together. I also know that I wouldn’t be who I am now if you weren’t a part of my life. And for that, you will always have my appreciation, my love, and my respect.

I’ve expressed similar feelings to a few other people who are important to me as well … and you know what? It feels good. I don’t care how mushy it is, I don’t care what other people think … I just know that I had something to say to the people who mean something to me, and felt compelled to say it, and there’s not a damned thing wrong with that. In fact, there’s a lot right with it.

Life is an endless journey, like a broad highway that extends infinitely into the distance. The mind provides a vehicle to travel on that road. The journey consists of constant ups and downs, hope [...]]]> I posted this for someone else, but now I’m reposting it for me … because, sometimes I need the reminder, too:

Life is an endless journey, like a broad highway that extends infinitely into the distance. The mind provides a vehicle to travel on that road. The journey consists of constant ups and downs, hope and fear, but it is a good journey. Allow yourself to experience all the textures of the roadway, which is what the journey is all about. (paraphrased from Chögyam Trungpa)