MAY  

Let me look at those eyes.
I want to know how you are.
—Rainer W. Fassbinder

Look. May has come in.
It’s strewn those blue eyes all over the harbor.
Come, I haven’t had word of you in ages.
You’re constantly terrified,
Like the kittens we drowned when we were little.
Come and we’ll talk over all of the old same things,
The value of being pleasant,
The need to adjust to the doubts,
How to fill the holes we’ve got inside us.
Come, feel the morning reaching your face,
Whenever we’re saddened everything looks dark,
When we’re heartened, again, the world crumbles.
Every one of us keeps forever someone else’s hidden side,
If it’s a secret, if a mistake, if a gesture.
Come and we’ll flay the winners,
Laughing at our self leapt off the bridgeway.
We’ll watch the cranes at work in the port in silence,
The gift for being together in silence being
The principal proof of friendship.
Come with me, I want to change nations,
Change towns. Leave this body aside
And go into a shell with you,
With our smallness, like sea snails.
Come, I’m waiting for you,
We’ll continue the story that ended a year ago,
As if inside the white birches next to the river
Not a single additional ring had grown.

Copyright © 2007 by Kirmen Uribe, English translation copyright © 2007 by Elizabeth Macklin. Reprinted from Meanwhile Take My Hand without the permission of Graywolf Press, Saint Paul, Minnesota.,

… another Utah cyclocross season in the bag, over and done.

And while I didn’t race much this year; I think I only did two of the ten races, I had a fabulous season (I’ve been using that word way too much lately), primarily because of the people I’ve met and befriended this year, and friendships & acquaintances renewed.

So thanks to Matt, Jon & Ellie, the Reverend, Julie, Dayna, Theresa, Jennie, Bob & Lyna, Chris & Kathy, Sly, Nancy, Bart, Ali, Art, Sager (for those two races he was here), the good Doctor and everyone else who has made the past couple of months such a joy.

And for those of you going to Kansas City for Nationals … show ‘em that Utah produces some skills.

As Train would say, “Wake up, kick ass, repeat!”

So I get to the aiport about 12:30 to catch my 2:30 flight to Columbus (changing planes at O’Hare), only to find out that American Airlines is having massive delays with flights coming in and out of Chicago (hmmm … why am I not surprised); and that there’s no way I’ll make my connecting flight.

So they rebook me on the directly flight from SLC to Columbus on Delta. This, of course, was the flight I wanted to take to begin with, but the tickets were “too expensive” for my company to pay for them.

So for once I’m actually grateful for delays; even though it does mean I get to sit in the airport for another couple of hours before I can get on my flight.

Ah well; at least I can get cocktails (and food, of course) at the lounge, and make the company pay for them!

I just hope I don’t run into similar “problems” on my way back on Friday, since I’ve got to get up early on Saturday morning for the final Utah Cyclocross race of the season up at Fort Buenaventura, in Ogden.

It’s hard to believe the season is almost over; it seems like just a couple weeks ago that it started … and for me, while I haven’t been racing much, this has been one of the best seasons ever.

I’ve met loads of fabulous new people who are just as addicted to the spectacle (and fun) of cyclocross; and think I’ve started to develop a few good friendships with people. I just hope that the relationships survive the end of the season, and that these people remain an integral part of my social circle, rather than just being “cyclocross friends” whom I only see for 10 weeks of the year.

Points in favor:

1. Lowered inhibitions from alcohol intoxication mean you might actually post how you feel.

Points against:

1. Lowered inhibitions from alcohol intoxication mean you might actually post how you feel.

Fortunately, I am drunk enough that I don’t have to actually think about it … I’m not sure I could actually put together a coherent sentence. It will be interesting to read this tomorrow to see if I actually used proper grammar and spelling.

Had a good conversation with the Mistress this (Tuesday) morning about attraction and friendships, especially post-divorce/post-breakup; a conversation that helped me put a few things into perspective including reinforcing the fact that there are people in my life to whom I’m attracted, but whom I’d much rather have as friends than as a fling.

And now … Aleve, water, and sleep are all calling my name …

Seems like a lot of my friends are wondering if it’s possible for men and women to be friends without the ugly spectre of sex rearing its head.

Here’s my take on the issue, from a guy’s perspective … it is possible to maintain a simple friendship with a woman without the relationship being sexual. But it’s not always easy.

Friendships might have to go through a phase where lame pick-up lines get dropped, but I think most guys just do it because “it’s expected” … and that they wouldn’t really know how to react if the recipient of the line actually said yes. I sure know I wouldn’t know quite what to do if someone responded positively to some of the juvenile raunch that rolls off my tongue.

• Him: “Hey, wanna f–k?”
• Her: “Sure!”
• Him: “Uh … uh … oh crap, what do I do now? … fumble … fumble … oh, I was just kidding, heh heh heh.”

And yeah, I really think that all men are that shallow. The question is whether or not guys can get past thinking with their dicks instead of with their heads and hearts.

Personally, I find women who can school me on a bike or on the slopes extremely attractive … the problem is not letting my self-esteem issues get in the way after that, which could kill any potential attraction back. I will freely admit that there are a number of people that I am attracted to, and I’m sure it’s obvious. I’ve even told some of them exactly how I feel.

But to me, the friendship is way more important, and there’s no way I’d do anything to jeopardize that. At least, I hope not. With at least one of these people, we’ve been able to maintain and build a good friendship over the past couple of years, and I cherish that more than anything else.

Not to mention that, considering where my head is right now, it wouldn’t be a real good idea to get involved with anyone anyway …

I need friends, as much as anyone does, even though I tend to put forward this moody loner façade. And the fact is that I am often (albeit not always) more comfortable being around women than I am being around other men. I’m sure that has to do with being primarily raised by women (my great-grandmother, grandmother, mother, and aunt), since my parents split up when I was young.

The difficult part, as always, is how to keep looking past physical attraction to find out who another person is inside.

… I find myself wondering which of my friendships are real, and which are just friendships of convenience.

I know I’m not the easiest person in the world to actually befriend, as I can be moody and distant, but one thing I don’t believe I ever do (at least, not that I’m aware of) is maintain my friendships only when convenient to me.

Too often in my life have I heard the phrase, “I can’t do this, because ‘X’ and I have plans”, or “‘X’ is out of town, do you want to do something?”, and it’s really difficult for me to be on the receiving end of comments like this. What it feels like is being told “my life revolves around ‘X” and when ‘X’ is not available, I’ll use you to fill the gap,” rather than “you are an important part of my life and I want to spend time with you.”

I know that K. has dealt with this issue many times in her past as well, and it took her a long time to start confronting people about it, and doing so inevitably clears the air, although not always with the ability to maintain those “friendships”.

Do people ever realize that this is what they are doing? Or do they just not care?

To my friends, especially those out of state who may or may not read this blog … if the situation I’m describing is applicable to me, if I have acted in this manner towards you, then please, please accept my most humble and sincere apologies. Unfortunately, I’m pretty terrible about maintaining my friendships at all … but I really hope I’m not that bad.

… just how very much alone I am right now. And I don’t like it … I don’t like it at all.

It is so hard to open yourself up and put yourself out there; and when it doesn’t work, it’s so difficult to continue to do so, because of the fear of getting hurt again and again.

And how do you maintain friendships in those situations, when it seems like one day the connection is so strong, but the next it’s gone?

For more than 10 years I’ve been dealing with this to one extent or another, with one person or another, and it never gets easier … it only gets more difficult with each successive failure, especially the ones that were years in the making.

I spent so many years alone in San Francisco, that you’d think I’d be used to it by now, that it would be a familiar feeling … But there is a vast difference between being alone, and being lonely; and right now I don’t have the blessed feeling of solitude, but the crushing feeling of isolation.