It’s no secret to those that know me that self-confidence is not one of my strong points. It’s not that I completely lack confidence in myself, but that the base upon which that confidence is built is fragile, and it doesn’t take much to knock me on my ass.

I know that I’m extremely intelligent (and I don’t think I’m being arrogant by saying so), but my ADD means that I sometimes have difficulty focusing on a concept and have troubles grasping it. My eyes just glaze over, and I’m lost.

I know that I know how to ride a bike, and am actually reasonably good at it … driving with the legs while my upper body remains relatively still; pedaling smooth circles from years riding a fixed-gear in San Francisco; but my current physical condition means that when I ride with people, I struggle to keep up, and my form gets sloppy.

Because I don’t want to hold people back, I decline opportunities to ride with others (which would improve my condition), and isolate myself.

I know that I have what it takes to be a good partner in a relationship (both romantic and platonic). I am kind and gentle and supportive and I believe witty and charming and engaging as well (not to mention, reasonably attractive, and even more so when I’m thinner); and yet I constantly worry about how people perceive me, and either build walls to protect myself and keep them out, guaranteeing that the relationship is destined to fail, or I act without thinking first, and push people away … unconsciously sabotaging things, and again, guaranteeing that the relationship is destined to fail.

I’ve done a lot of work over the past couple of years to try to change these things, and I feel like I’ve made a lot of progress, but still old habits and old patterns emerge.

I can’t really make a New Year’s resolution that I’m going to change all of the above things … that would be setting the bar rather high, I think; quite likely an unattainable goal, but what I can do is resolve to do things that will bring me closer to that goal.

So with that in mind, resolutions for 2009:

1. Ski more.
2. Bike more.
3. Sleep more.
4. Shoot more (photos).
5. Eat less.
6. Drink (more or less, depending).
7. Work wiser.
8. Piss off fewer people.
9. Survive and thrive another year.

It’s never been a huge secret that I’m not the biggest fan of this time of year.

No, not because it’s winter, but because it’s Christmas-time … the mass commercialization of the season has really started to get to me, even more so than usual.

Christmas is about being with people, not about buying stuff, so this year I decided that I would not buy a single Christmas present for anyone else; and thus far I’ve succeeded … I’ve given $2000 to various charities this year, and that’s enough financial outflow, and to people who really need it.

On the other hand, there have been a number of holiday events to which I have been invited and attended, sharing good food and good win and good conversation with great friends.

And this is what brings me joy this time of year. Helping others who often do not have the wherewithal to help themselves, and sharing laughter and smiles.

And then my faith in humanity is renewed.

THE CLASH - KNOW YOUR RIGHTS

This is a public service announcement
With guitar!

Know your rights, all three of them!

Number 1:
You have the right not to be killed
Murder is a CRIME!
Unless it was done by a
Policeman or aristocrat…
Know your rights!

And Number 2:
You have the right to food money
Providing of course
You don’t mind a little
Investigation, humiliation
And if you cross your fingers
Rehabilitation…

Know your rights!
These are your rights!

Number 3:
You have the right to free speech
As long as
You’re not dumb enough to actually try it!

Know your rights,
These are your rights!
All three of ‘em!

And it has been suggested
In some quarters
That this is not enough!
Well…

Get off the streets
Run!

Or does it really seem like Wild Oats has really gone downhill since Whole Foods took over?

A lot of items I considered to be staples aren’t really being carried anymore; and the quality of much of the rest seems to have declined.

When I lived in San Francisco, going to the Whole Foods on California Street was a treat; I could spend hours in the store wandering around, smelling the cheeses, trying various samples, and with the knowledge that anything I’d buy would be top-quality … hence the reason why many of us called it “Whole Paycheck”.

When I first moved to Salt Lake City, going to Wild Oats was a similar treat … perhaps not on the same scale, but it was nice knowing that I could still get really good quality organic or all-natural food.

But over the past 6 months or so, since the sale to Whole Foods closed, and as the changeover has been ongoing, there has been a decided downturn, especially at the store in Sugarhouse.

For example … based on Fastgrrrl’s recommendation, I thought I’d give ProBars a try. The Cran-Lemon Twister and Whole Berry Blast flavors seemed like they’d be absolutely delicious, so I grabbed a couple of each the other day along with my dinner after my crazy-doctor appointment.

I guess I’m going to have to start inspecting my purchases closer before I pay for them … because in the case of both flavors, the bars’ sell-by/best-by dates were 2-2008 … yep … more than 2-months expired.

And as screwed up as my digestive tract is, I don’t take any chances with expired food, packaged or otherwise; and since I’m not the best about keeping my receipts, into the trash they go. $12.00 straight into the garbage.

This is the sort of thing I’d expect from the corner markets in San Francisco (which are really liquor stores with a few grocery items), not from a natural or gourmet foods store Wild Oats or Whole Foods.

The Wild Oats in Fort Union is in better shape, but still not what it was … it’s been awhile since I’ve gone to the downtown store, so I can’t comment on that one.

And since Trader Joe’s won’t open a store in Utah unless/until the Utah legislature changes the liquor laws to allow them to sell real beer and wine, we’re rather stuck with our limited options.

Here’s hoping that things return to normal soon, and that once the big new Whole Foods is built near Trolley Square that steps are made towards what I remember from San Francisco.

XTC - SENSES WORKING OVERTIME

Hey, hey
The clouds are whey
There’s straw for the donkeys
And the innocents can all sleep safely
All sleep safely

My, my
Sun is pie
There’s fodder for the cannons
And the guilty ones can all sleep safely
All sleep safely

And all the world is football-shaped
It’s just for me to kick in space
And I can see, hear, smell, touch, taste
And I’ve got one, two, three, four, five
Senses working overtime
Trying to take this all in
I’ve got one, two, three, four, five
Senses working overtime
Trying to taste the difference ‘tween a lemon and a lime
Pain and pleasure and the church bells softly chime

Hey hey
Night fights day
There’s food for the thinkers
And the innocents can all live slowly
All live slowly

My, my
The sky will cry
Jewels for the thirsty
And the guilty ones can all die slowly
All die slowly

And all the world is biscuit-shaped
It’s just for me to feed my face
And I can see, hear, smell, touch, taste
And I’ve got one, two, three, four, five
Senses working overtime
Trying to take this all in
I’ve got one, two, three, four, five
Senses working overtime
Trying to taste the difference ‘tween a lemon and a lime
Pain and pleasure and the church bells softly chime

And birds might fall from black skies (woo-woo)
And bullies might give you black eyes (woo-woo)
But to me they’re very, very beautiful (England’s glory)
Beautiful (a striking beauty)

And all the world is football-shaped
It’s just for me to kick in space
And I can see, hear, smell, touch, taste
And I’ve got one, two, three, four, five
Senses working overtime
Trying to take this all in
I’ve got one, two, three, four, five
Senses working overtime
Trying to tell the difference ‘tween the goods and grime
Turds and treasure
And there’s one, two, three, four, five
Senses working overtime
Trying to take this all in
I’ve got one, two, three, four, five
Senses working overtime
Trying to taste the difference ‘tween a lemon and a lime
Pain and pleasure and the church bells softly chime

Fabulous lunch with the the short one today at Cafe Niche on 3rd South and 8th East, just northeast of Trolley Square. Don’t know if it was the atmosphere, the food or the company, but this was definitely one of the best lunches I have had in awhile.

After dropping Jennie off, had a good chat with Scotty about the state of life, the weather, wine, and skiing.

Am now watching the Film Independent Spirit Awards on IFC, trying to get ideas for more movies to put in the Netflix queue. Thus far, the most promising film appears to be I’m Not There, directed by Todd Haynes.