You know what sucks the most about not being married anymore, aside from not being able to see what was (and may still be) my best friend everyday?

Going to bed alone.

Not because of sex, but just having someone there … it’s very comforting. I don’t think I’ve had a really good night’s sleep since August or September 2006; at least not one that wasn’t drug-induced.

I think I miss that more than anything else.

I’m mired in a pretty deep funk, and I don’t know what to do to get out …

I want to quit my job.

I want to sell my bikes.

I want to simply disappear …

Instead, I think I’ll go try to get some sleep.

I’m taking a few days off from work because, well, I just needed to take a few days off.

I was originally planning to go down to Fountain Hills, AZ (where my mom and stepdad live), to cheer on Kathy Sherwin, et al, at the NMBS race down there, but due to finances (and lack of planning, other than requesting the time off), this didn’t happen.

Now I’m just trying to relax and decompress. Unfortunately, like my normal work week, I’m still only getting 4-5 hours of sleep per night. I need to get out on the bike, and yet, I wasted a perfectly good riding day yesterday.

What’s worse than knowing what the solution to a problem is, and not being able to motivate yourself to do it? My life is so decidedly un-Big Ring these days, it’s unreal. Dysthymia in action (or is that dysthymia inaction?).

I did go to the Bike Porn showing at the warehouse last night; which was really quite interesting in the various ways that bicycle pornography can be interpreted; from the slightly erotic panning of sculpted lugs on a handcrafted steel frame, to the comedic idea of two bikes making love to each other, to a freak-bike builder lusting after high-end boutique racing bikes, to actual hardcore porn involving a bicycle … certain aspects of the latter were erotic and well-done; other aspects were just disturbing, at least to me.

You can view the trailer on Blip.TV … be forewarned, it is definitely not safe for work, or for people who don’t want to see nudity or anything remotely explicit.

Ran into the Wolfe, just after the screening and chatted far too briefly. Sometimes it’s interesting how easy it is to “talk” to people online, yet how difficult it can be face-to-face, when you’re not really sure what to say.

Shortly thereafter was an impromptu running of the Salt City Sprints with a number of exciting match-ups; in a few of the races, in keeping with the theme of the evening, a number of people (men and women alike) stripped down to skivvies, or less in a few cases, to try and gain a competitive advantage over their rivals (or maybe just to give the audience a thrill) …

The most exciting match of the evening was the fully-clothed face-off between Legal Messenger, Inc. (LMI) owner/dispatcher Jason Copier, and LMI messenger Patrick Beecroft which finished in a dead heat at 13.74 seconds. The battle for sprint supremacy between messenger and dispatcher was not settled last night.

The evening broke up about midnight, with many heading off to the Gallivan Center for a Midnight Mass, while I drove home (because, as you know, I drive to bike events rather than actually riding), and sat on the couch for another 3 hours watching stupid late-night television (I don’t even remember what was on) before finally wandering off to bed for a fitful 5-hours of sleep, waking up this morning at 8:30 to face another bleak, boring day … I’ve got to get out on the bike today, even if for only a short 10-miler, before the weather gets shitty.

You know you’ve got issues when even your therapist is bugging you about starting to date again …

But it’s like this; I’m scared. I’m scared to death of repeating the same mistakes that I made when I was married. I’m afraid that I will still not be able to open up and share who I am with the person I love. So right now, it’s easier to just avoid the situation.

And then there’s this … my competitive days are long behind me. I’m not intimidated by women who are better at something than I am; in fact quite the opposite, I find it extremely attractive. I prefer active, fit women, but my corresponding fitness is not there, and it will take time to retrieve.

I’m not looking for a training partner; if you’re racing, I’ll be the guy on the sidelines who makes sure you’re being taken care of during the race. Need food/water/clothing hand-ups? I’m your man. I prefer to be behind-the-scenes making an event a success for others, rather than killing myself to finish mid-pack or worse. I want to be with someone who wants support from her partner, not competition.

But it seems that most of the women I am meeting not only have this huge competitive streak in them, but are looking for the same in their partner; which just doesn’t make sense to me. I don’t see how two people can have a healthy relationship when they’re always competing with each other, and yet it seems like when athletes get together, much of the competition is within the relationship as well.

And to me, that’s just wrong.

I ride my bike to ride my bike … and the main reason why I seldom ride with more than one or two other people (when I’m not riding alone) is because most group rides turn into some sort of big swinging (virtual or actual) dick contest. That’s not what I’m about. If I’m not paying money and pinning a number on, then I’m not racing … and it’s really easy for me to just say “see ya!” when the people I ride with start acting as though every ride is a race.

The downside of this is that I spend a lot of time alone … which when you are dysthymic is not really healthy either. I reach out to my friends, but unless we have made specific plans, I tend not to follow-through and nothing happens. And thus I get lonelier and feel like my friends don’t want to hang out with me; when in reality, they could very much feel like I don’t want to hang out with them either, because I don’t follow-through or flake. I know that friendship is a two-way street, but I find it very difficult to offer much of myself, even when I think that the people I’m with are some of the nicest, kindest, and coolest people I’ve ever met.

I’ve been this way nearly all my life … and I know that much of it is a protective measure from how much I used to move around when I was a kid; a different school every year or two doesn’t lend itself to long-lasting relationships … and when I do start building a relationship that means something, inevitably I feel like I’m going to sabotage it somehow.

And so I keep working on myself; keep seeing the crazy doctor, keep taking the happy pills, keep reaching out … and keep trying to follow-through.

I don’t know if it’s the changing weather (like it is for the Mistress), or if there is something else going on, but I just cannot get my head into the game.

My motivation levels are near-nil, and I find that right now I’m basically just on cruise control. I wake up, I go to work, I come home, I eat too much, watch some TV, and go to bed. On weekends, I may give myself a respite by heading up one of the canyons, but the past couple of weeks, even that hasn’t really helped a whole lot.

I’m looking for inspiration from without, because I’m certainly not finding any from within.

I can’t write, at least not expressively … my pens and journals are just sitting there. I’m not feeling artistically inclined towards my cameras … I’m just carrying them around, but not pulling them out and using them.

My bikes are in the closet, or leaning against the counter in the dining room, tires flattening, chains drying, and even the last couple of days I’ve been skiing have been less than exceptional.

I’m deep in a funk, and I don’t know how to pull myself out right now; and I’m not sure how everyone else can put on such a happy face all the time. I listen to what other people tell me about what’s going on in their lives, much of which is often more difficult than what I’m having to deal with, and yet, they seem like they’re able to just deal with it and move on, while I find myself wallowing in in the muck that is my mind.

Definitely not doing the Big Ring thing these days. I dunno, Train, maybe I should give up the “Flahute” monicker and put away the Ferlinghetti and Kerouac, and start pulling out the Maya Angelou and Sylvia Plath.

There is a theory in cognitive therapy that people repeat the same patterns because our minds become used to traveling particular neural paths; and thus seek those paths.

It’s sort of the mental equivalent of commuting … where you always take the same route to work, even though you know that sometimes traffic is really going to suck, instead of seeking a new/better way of getting where you need to go.

This also helps explain why people who have certain maladaptive schemas tend to keep being attracted to the same types of people. For example, the emotionally deprived (like my ex-wife) are constantly attracted to the emotionally inhibited (like me), and vice-versa.

The former believes that their desire for a normal degree of emotional support will not be adequately met by others; and this is reinforced by the latter’s inability to express spontaneous action, feeling, or communication — usually to avoid disapproval by others, feelings of shame, or losing control of one’s impulses.

By the same token, since the former is constantly seeking emotional approval and support, the latter begins to shut-down emotionally because they’re afraid they won’t be able to fulfill their partner’s needs.

It takes a conscious effort to break the patterns, but generally unless/until you understand why, you’ll continue to repeat them.

Some people can do it on their own, but to really understand why and change, most people need therapy. The problem is that few actually admit this to themselves and seek it out.

I don’t want to repeat the same patterns in my next relationship … my marriage falling apart was the most devastating thing ever to happen to me, and yet as far as divorces go, it was one of the easiest, as we had nothing to fight about … and so I am actively in therapy, and still on happy pills just to deal with the daily anxiety about my own self-worth.

Does this make me a weak man? I sure hope not. In fact, I believe this is making me a stronger man in the long run.

So when you hear the phrase “Down By Law”, what pops to mind?

Is it the incredible punk bank fronted by Dave Smalley (who also fronted Dag Nasty and ALL)? Or is it the even more incredible independent film by Jim Jarmusch, starring Tom Waits, John Lurie (of the Lounge Lizards), and Roberto Benigni?

As slang, the phrase “down by law” carries a couple different meanings. In a musical sense (primarily jazz), “down by law” means having paid your dues, to have earned respect for your talent through hard work. In its other sense, that of prison slang, “down by law” means to have someone’s back.

Having just finished watching the film, I find myself contemplating whether the phrase is applicable to my own life, and to the people in it …

Have I paid my dues? Do I have the respect of the people around me … and most importantly, will they have my back if something happens and I really need it?

This is when my self-doubt and lack of self-esteem are most apparent … I’m pretty sure the people I consider to be my friends respect me and will support me when I need their help, but there’s always a little niggling thought in the back of my mind that tells me that I’m a fraud, that no one really likes me, and makes me worry that my entire world is going to come crashing down around me at a moment’s notice.

This is also when I know that I am not ready to quit seeing my crazy doctor, and I’m not ready to start easing myself off the happy pills … but that I’m also getting more control over my emotional well-being, and gaining better knowledge of who I really am.

And so I continue to live each day, with the conscious knowledge that the feelings are temporary, and that today’s emotional lows will be counterbalanced by tomorrow’s emotional highs; that the lows are not quite the same deep chasms they’ve been in the past, and that the transitions are not quite as drastic.