You know you’ve got issues when even your therapist is bugging you about starting to date again …

But it’s like this; I’m scared. I’m scared to death of repeating the same mistakes that I made when I was married. I’m afraid that I will still not be able to open up and share who I am with the person I love. So right now, it’s easier to just avoid the situation.

And then there’s this … my competitive days are long behind me. I’m not intimidated by women who are better at something than I am; in fact quite the opposite, I find it extremely attractive. I prefer active, fit women, but my corresponding fitness is not there, and it will take time to retrieve.

I’m not looking for a training partner; if you’re racing, I’ll be the guy on the sidelines who makes sure you’re being taken care of during the race. Need food/water/clothing hand-ups? I’m your man. I prefer to be behind-the-scenes making an event a success for others, rather than killing myself to finish mid-pack or worse. I want to be with someone who wants support from her partner, not competition.

But it seems that most of the women I am meeting not only have this huge competitive streak in them, but are looking for the same in their partner; which just doesn’t make sense to me. I don’t see how two people can have a healthy relationship when they’re always competing with each other, and yet it seems like when athletes get together, much of the competition is within the relationship as well.

And to me, that’s just wrong.

I ride my bike to ride my bike … and the main reason why I seldom ride with more than one or two other people (when I’m not riding alone) is because most group rides turn into some sort of big swinging (virtual or actual) dick contest. That’s not what I’m about. If I’m not paying money and pinning a number on, then I’m not racing … and it’s really easy for me to just say “see ya!” when the people I ride with start acting as though every ride is a race.

The downside of this is that I spend a lot of time alone … which when you are dysthymic is not really healthy either. I reach out to my friends, but unless we have made specific plans, I tend not to follow-through and nothing happens. And thus I get lonelier and feel like my friends don’t want to hang out with me; when in reality, they could very much feel like I don’t want to hang out with them either, because I don’t follow-through or flake. I know that friendship is a two-way street, but I find it very difficult to offer much of myself, even when I think that the people I’m with are some of the nicest, kindest, and coolest people I’ve ever met.

I’ve been this way nearly all my life … and I know that much of it is a protective measure from how much I used to move around when I was a kid; a different school every year or two doesn’t lend itself to long-lasting relationships … and when I do start building a relationship that means something, inevitably I feel like I’m going to sabotage it somehow.

And so I keep working on myself; keep seeing the crazy doctor, keep taking the happy pills, keep reaching out … and keep trying to follow-through.

Seems like a lot of my friends are wondering if it’s possible for men and women to be friends without the ugly spectre of sex rearing its head.

Here’s my take on the issue, from a guy’s perspective … it is possible to maintain a simple friendship with a woman without the relationship being sexual. But it’s not always easy.

Friendships might have to go through a phase where lame pick-up lines get dropped, but I think most guys just do it because “it’s expected” … and that they wouldn’t really know how to react if the recipient of the line actually said yes. I sure know I wouldn’t know quite what to do if someone responded positively to some of the juvenile raunch that rolls off my tongue.

• Him: “Hey, wanna f–k?”
• Her: “Sure!”
• Him: “Uh … uh … oh crap, what do I do now? … fumble … fumble … oh, I was just kidding, heh heh heh.”

And yeah, I really think that all men are that shallow. The question is whether or not guys can get past thinking with their dicks instead of with their heads and hearts.

Personally, I find women who can school me on a bike or on the slopes extremely attractive … the problem is not letting my self-esteem issues get in the way after that, which could kill any potential attraction back. I will freely admit that there are a number of people that I am attracted to, and I’m sure it’s obvious. I’ve even told some of them exactly how I feel.

But to me, the friendship is way more important, and there’s no way I’d do anything to jeopardize that. At least, I hope not. With at least one of these people, we’ve been able to maintain and build a good friendship over the past couple of years, and I cherish that more than anything else.

Not to mention that, considering where my head is right now, it wouldn’t be a real good idea to get involved with anyone anyway …

I need friends, as much as anyone does, even though I tend to put forward this moody loner façade. And the fact is that I am often (albeit not always) more comfortable being around women than I am being around other men. I’m sure that has to do with being primarily raised by women (my great-grandmother, grandmother, mother, and aunt), since my parents split up when I was young.

The difficult part, as always, is how to keep looking past physical attraction to find out who another person is inside.

Everyone has a particular body type to which they are most attracted … for me, it’s always been petite women with nice round hips/butts. Breast size has always been less important; in fact, most of the time I seem to prefer women with smaller chests … but I’ve always liked the butt.

I am, to put it somewhat crassly, an ass-man. Some people have called me an asshole, but that’s a different situation altogether; one which I’ve been working very hard to change.

I’ve always wondered how attraction works … why I have one particular body type that I like, and why others like another body type. Well, now there’s some research telling me why I like my particular type.

Reported this morning on CBS News:

Are Curvier Women Smarter?

(CBS) New research finds an apparent, direct correlation between women’s body fat and intelligence.

As CBS News correspondent Susan McGinnis reported on The Early Show Tuesday, the study shows women with fuller, “hourglass” figures seem to be smarter, and give birth to brighter children.

The research, published this week in the journal “Evolution and Human Behavior,” indicates hips don’t lie. In effect, says the study of some 16,000 women, the smaller your waist and bigger your hips, the smarter you are.

And, McGinnis points out, there’s a formula: Divide waist circumference by hip circumference. The lower the result, the better.

For instance, notes McGinnis, Jennifer Lopez’s waist measures 26 inches, her hips, 39 — for a waist-to-hip ratio of point-66. The less curvy Keira Knightley’s waist is 25 inches, and her hips, 33, for a ratio of point-76.

The researchers say it has to do with omega-3 fatty acids, which gather around fuller hips and thighs, and are important for the growth of the brain during pregnancy. The curvier the hips, the higher the level of omega-3s.

It may also explain other studies that show men prefer women with a low waist-to-hip ratio.

Not only that but, according to the research, women with smaller waists and larger hips — live longer!

I do have to admit that I find Keira Knightly FAR more attractive than Jennifer Lopez … but that may just be the exception that proves the rule.

… when (or even if) I’ll be able to get my shit together enough to start dating again; to even ask someone a woman who piques my interest out …

I don’t want to scrap the relationship … but …

Maybe dating other people is part of figuring out what we want. I’m sure it will hurt no matter what happens, or with whom, but I have a particular problem with certain people and situations.

I don’t know if my negative feelings would be as intense if these situations didn’t bother me from day one, but I don’t think they would be. That’s the part I have a hard time with; what I was afraid was going to happen has happened, and with the person that I was afraid of.

I can certainly redefine the relationship … I’m just not sure I can redefine it in a positive manner.

I never said that it was anybody else’s fault. I said that “I have a problem.”

I own my feelings … but one has to acknowledge that feelings and emotions are influenced by another’s behavior. Feelings of loss and loneliness over the past few years were influenced by my behavior, by my lack of engagement … and I own my behavior as well.

My feelings are my feelings, my emotions are my emotions … and I can choose how I handle them, but other’s actions will influence them, and one shouldn’t expect them not to … nobody exists in a vacuum. People’s lives are influenced both directly and indirectly by everyone they come into contact with.

I want to be able to give what is needed. With work and deliberate mindfulness, I think I can give what is needed as a companion, a friend, a lover and spouse.

This is work I am willing to do, work I am doing, and work I will continue to do for myself, if no one else, regardless of what ultimately happens.

We chose each other, once … and while my actions expressed otherwise, in my heart, I never changed my mind. I am truly sorry for hurting you in all the ways that I have, and the ways that I continue to do so, however unintentionally.

I acknowledge the validity of your feelings.

I would like to be friends, but I don’t know if I can do that at the moment. Right now, it feels like a complete betrayal, and it hurts deeply.

Right now, I feel that the longer that goes on, the harder it will be for me to recover, just like the betrayal my lack of engagement has been difficult to recover from, if recovery is even possible.

We need to make some choices, about what’s important.

I am definitely not asking you to give up your happiness for me. I am telling you how choices affect me, and how they may affect my ability to be there.

I will do what I can do to be a friend, regardless … I can’t promise that I’ll be able to give all that is necessary. I can promise that I will do everything I can do, and give everything I can give. I know that happiness will come from within.

I will do my best to never allow my fears to affect my ability to be the best person I can be, and to never shut anyone out again.