Why hello there again Dysthymia! Wish I could say that I’ve missed you, but that would be a lie, and I’ve always prided myself on being honest … at least to others, if not always to myself.

Every once in awhile, I come across some sort of personality quiz that either asks what sort of superpower a person wishes they have, or by asking other questions, tells one what superpower they have. It’s too bad that none of them are accurate, though.

I admit I’m not the happiest person in the world; I’ve been dealing with dysthymia most of my life, although I wasn’t diagnosed until mid-2006 when I had a near total nervous breakdown one weekend, actually giving my ex-wife cause to fear for my life. That was the weekend when I first started to realize that my marriage was over, even though at the time I still had hopes of fixing it.

But one of things that affects me even more than my own fragile emotional state is seeing other people that are hurting; other people who are recovering from a break-up, or who just simply are not comfortable in their own skin … those who feel they are not or will never be good enough.

If I had a superpower, I would be able to absorb everyone else’s bad feelings and reflect it back at them to fill them with warmth and love; I would be able to take away their pain and replace it with good feelings.

I would like to think that I would be able to take that darkness and focus it back on those who have caused harm to others … the villains in my little superhero world. The idea would be to fill them with such remorse and guilt and depression over what they have wrought that they would be rendered powerless to cause any more pain. This would be my weapon.

Whether people realize it or not, I try to be that superhero now … when I see one of my friends hurting, I do what I can to try to help them feel better. I don’t flatter people, because I feel flattery is false … when I compliment someone, it’s because that is what I believe. When I tell someone that I have faith in them, I really do … often I have more faith in them than I do in myself. At times, I know there is really nothing I can do to help someone feel better except to make sure they know that I am there for them; but ultimately I know that everyone has to find their own inner-superhero.

Of course, like all superheroes, I would have to have a weakness as well … and for me that weakness would likely be that I would become consumed by all the misery that I am taking in, and would become incapacitated by it, unless I could find some sort of release for it.

There was a point in my life where cycling was that release, and to some extent it still is, but I do find that my emotions can be crippling at times as well; things can be going really well, but it hasn’t changed the way I feel. Inside, I’m still in just as much pain as I always have been, and often find myself incapable of doing anything more than the eat-sleep-work cycle; when I have problems doing anything that will give me joy.

This is when I need to find my own inner-superhero, to allow me to rescue myself.