It’s a gorgeous spring afternoon … and what am I doing? I’m sitting on my couch composing this stupid blog entry about my complete and utter lack of motivation to get outside and do anything.

I think part of my malaise today comes from reading Mama Grrrlie’s most recent blog entry on turning 39. MG is using the fact that she has a year before she turns 40 as a motivating factor.

I hit 45 next month. For some reason, that’s hitting me even harder than 40 did. To be honest, for the most part 40 was not that bad, except for one major life changing event (divorce), which as difficult as it was to experience really helped me to jumpstart and reexamine how I’ve been living my life.

I’ve made a lot of changes over the past 5 years, almost all of which I think are for the better … and yet, I still struggle with things at times, and this upcoming birthday feels almost as bad as when I turned 20, since I was no longer a teenager, but still not a fully legal adult. I think part of it is because of the realization that, at least if my family’s history holds true, I’ve got less time in front of me than behind me.

I’m trying to be positive, but I think MG is doing a much better job staying on the sunny side of the street, whereas I feel like I’m lurking in the shadows, struggling to step into the sun, where I really want to be.

Ah, dysthymia, how I’ve missed thee.

So the plan is to ski tomorrow … haven’t decided on an easy groomer day at Deer Valley, or a whatever I can find day at Solitude … and to ride on Sunday, perhaps another attack on Emigration Canyon to see if I can improve my time from my first attempt of the season last month.

Regardless, the first step will be to suit up and step outside.