It’s no secret to those that know me that self-confidence is not one of my strong points. It’s not that I completely lack confidence in myself, but that the base upon which that confidence is built is fragile, and it doesn’t take much to knock me on my ass.

I know that I’m extremely intelligent (and I don’t think I’m being arrogant by saying so), but my ADD means that I sometimes have difficulty focusing on a concept and have troubles grasping it. My eyes just glaze over, and I’m lost.

I know that I know how to ride a bike, and am actually reasonably good at it … driving with the legs while my upper body remains relatively still; pedaling smooth circles from years riding a fixed-gear in San Francisco; but my current physical condition means that when I ride with people, I struggle to keep up, and my form gets sloppy.

Because I don’t want to hold people back, I decline opportunities to ride with others (which would improve my condition), and isolate myself.

I know that I have what it takes to be a good partner in a relationship (both romantic and platonic). I am kind and gentle and supportive and I believe witty and charming and engaging as well (not to mention, reasonably attractive, and even more so when I’m thinner); and yet I constantly worry about how people perceive me, and either build walls to protect myself and keep them out, guaranteeing that the relationship is destined to fail, or I act without thinking first, and push people away … unconsciously sabotaging things, and again, guaranteeing that the relationship is destined to fail.

I’ve done a lot of work over the past couple of years to try to change these things, and I feel like I’ve made a lot of progress, but still old habits and old patterns emerge.

I can’t really make a New Year’s resolution that I’m going to change all of the above things … that would be setting the bar rather high, I think; quite likely an unattainable goal, but what I can do is resolve to do things that will bring me closer to that goal.

So with that in mind, resolutions for 2009:


  1. Ski more.
  2. Bike more.
  3. Sleep more.
  4. Shoot more (photos).
  5. Eat less.
  6. Drink (more or less, depending).
  7. Work wiser.
  8. Piss off fewer people.
  9. Survive and thrive another year.