It’s no secret to those that know me that self-confidence is not one of my strong points. It’s not that I completely lack confidence in myself, but that the base upon which that confidence is built is fragile, and it doesn’t take much to knock me on my ass.
I know that I’m extremely intelligent (and I don’t think I’m being arrogant by saying so), but my ADD means that I sometimes have difficulty focusing on a concept and have troubles grasping it. My eyes just glaze over, and I’m lost.
I know that I know how to ride a bike, and am actually reasonably good at it … driving with the legs while my upper body remains relatively still; pedaling smooth circles from years riding a fixed-gear in San Francisco; but my current physical condition means that when I ride with people, I struggle to keep up, and my form gets sloppy.
Because I don’t want to hold people back, I decline opportunities to ride with others (which would improve my condition), and isolate myself.
I know that I have what it takes to be a good partner in a relationship (both romantic and platonic). I am kind and gentle and supportive and I believe witty and charming and engaging as well (not to mention, reasonably attractive, and even more so when I’m thinner); and yet I constantly worry about how people perceive me, and either build walls to protect myself and keep them out, guaranteeing that the relationship is destined to fail, or I act without thinking first, and push people away … unconsciously sabotaging things, and again, guaranteeing that the relationship is destined to fail.
I’ve done a lot of work over the past couple of years to try to change these things, and I feel like I’ve made a lot of progress, but still old habits and old patterns emerge.
I can’t really make a New Year’s resolution that I’m going to change all of the above things … that would be setting the bar rather high, I think; quite likely an unattainable goal, but what I can do is resolve to do things that will bring me closer to that goal.
So with that in mind, resolutions for 2009:
- Ski more.
- Bike more.
- Sleep more.
- Shoot more (photos).
- Eat less.
- Drink (more or less, depending).
- Work wiser.
- Piss off fewer people.
- Survive and thrive another year.