Fatty, of FatCyclist.com, has a new article up at BikeRadar.com; in which he attempts to mediate the divorce between Greg LeMond and Trek Bicycle Co.

A Letter To Trek Bicycle Co. And Greg LeMond

What Trek Gets

  1. Lance Armstrong’s Peace of Mind: First and foremost, Trek receives a guarantee that Mr LeMond will never ever, ever, ever use any combination of the words “Lance,” “Armstrong,” or “dope” (or any of their synonyms) within three minutes of each other. Not in public. Not in private. Not by doing charades or meaningfully-raised eyebrows. From now on, in fact, Mr LeMond promises to pretend he has simply never heard of Lance Armstrong, and will act pleasantly surprised to hear that another American has also won the Tour de France. If Mr LeMond crosses this line even once, Trek may – at its own expense – use whatever combination of shock therapy, hypnotherapy and surgery it deems necessary to literally remove any recollection of Armstrong from Mr LeMond’s memory.
  2. Custody of the Children: Trek retains the rights to all licensed Trek/LeMond dealerships, except for the ones where Mr LeMond had so deeply undercut the market that Trek no longer wants those dealerships anymore, anyway.
  3. Existing “Fillmore” Inventory: Trek will take custody of all 2008 (and any remaining 2007) LeMond Fillmore bikes, to be re-decaled as Gary Fisher Triton bikes or sold to be used as ballast in seagoing barges, as Trek sees fit.

What LeMond Gets

  1. Personal Freedom, Within Limits: As long as he pretends Armstrong doesn’t exist, Mr LeMond is welcome to rant about anyone else he wants. Except for people at Trek. They’re off-limits, too. And so is everyone at Astana. But he should feel free to hammer on Floyd Landis whenever he feels like it.
  2. eBay: While Trek retains the traditional distribution channels, Mr LeMond receives a non-compete guarantee from Trek in the eBay channel. Also, Trek promises that it will not start selling bikes to Mr LeMond’s friends.
  3. Employee Pricing: Mr LeMond will continue to get employee pricing on up to $2500 worth of Bontrager components per year.
  4. Visitation Rights with Gary Fisher (Conditional): If Mr LeMond abides by the conditions thus far laid out for six contiguous months, he will be allowed to talk with Gary Fisher and begin to gather advice on how it’s possible to be completely insane, yet be regarded as an eccentric, beloved icon.
  5. A Yellow Jersey, Autographed by Lance Armstrong: Oh, come on. We all know that this is what it’s really all about. You could have just asked for one, you know.

How typical! Siding with the cheating husband! Shame on you, Fatty … I would have expected more from a resident of Utah County. Shouldn’t this divorce reflect the reality of an actual divorce?

As such I propose the following:

As the aggrieved first wife in this marriage (even if she is a bit of a shrew), Fat Greggie should get it all … the rights to his bikes and name back, as well as the right to bash Armstrong (that hussy who stole Trek’s affections) and Trek in perpetuity.

And then there’s the alimony … Trek needs to make sure that Greggie can continue to live the lifestyle to which she has become accustomed by providing a generous alimony settlement; to continue for at least 15 years, even IF Greggie finds a new husband.

And while we’re at it, Greggie gets the house, too … this includes the Trek factory in Waterloo, Wisconsin AND all of the Trek Concept stores throughout the United States, where she can (if she so chooses), systematically cut hussy Lancey-poo’s face out of all pictures documenting their previous friendship.

After all, Trek flaunted its relationship with Lancey-poo in front of Greggie … didn’t even try to hide it like a good husband should, not to mention that you know from the beginning Lancey-poo was out to break-up the marriage. She was “surgically-enhanced”, after all, to lose that crucial weight that was required to win the Tour de France seven consecutive times.

No; instead Trek attempted to take a page from the gospel of Warren Steed Jeffs and build a polygamist community! And we all know that polygamy just doesn’t work. It’s too hard to ride in the flannel plaid shirts, jeans and boots.