Motives

One of the most miserable feelings I’ve ever had is when someone doesn’t take me at face value; assuming I have some sort of angle, that I only do things for others because there’s something in it for me.

Well … to some extent, there is something in it for me. I like the feeling I get when I’m able to help someone out. But other than that, most of time I do things because I can, and because I want to. It makes me feel good to be a part of someone’s success.

And I am so tired of people questioning my motives; it’s mentally exhausting, and it makes me ask myself, “Why bother?”

I can’t surround myself with people who make me feel this way anymore …

I’ve always had a tendency to close chapters of my life as though I was finishing the entire book, to put it on the shelf and never revisit it. As an example, I haven’t been back to San Francisco since I moved to Utah; and while it did take some adjustment, over the past 6 years, I’ve really grown to love a lot of what Utah has to offer.

But my therapist (and yes, I do have one) is helping me to rethink that particular attitude … but I’m not sure that therapy will help me with my current issue.

I finally feel like I’m getting my life back in order. I’ve got a pretty good job; I make a decent living, and I do have what I believe are some really good friends. I’m enjoying riding my bike (most of the time) and I’m really looking forward to the start of ski season and playing in the snow.

But I do think that I will have to walk away from those people whose actions, intended or unintended, make me feel like shit. It’s just not worth the effort anymore.

5 Comments

  1. someone once told me, ‘If you hang out in a barber shop, eventually your gonna get a haircut’

    A few years later they told me ‘If you hang out with horse thieves, eventually you are going to steal a horse’

    we are what we do and who we spend time with.

    yep thats deep thoughts with stupidbike.

  2. Apparently, I’ve been hanging with a bunch of untrusting (and I guess untrustworthy) people who are always trying to work others for something …

  3. So many people have a hard time saying at it is. Leading people to be a little on edge and assuming something that may not be the real situation. Sometimes you have to be vocal about your motives to set haters straight…. ( I think I just confused myself)

  4. I’m not sure what’s worse … having trust issues because you’ve been burned in the past, or being the object of someone’s (undeserved) distrust.

  5. People who usually think everyone else is scheming are usually untrustworthy themselves. To the previous post’s point — humans generally think other people are motivated by the same things. A manipulator tries to out-manipulate before being burned. A thief expects to be stolen from. The ingenue never expects to be hurt.

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