… I find myself wondering which of my friendships are real, and which are just friendships of convenience.

I know I’m not the easiest person in the world to actually befriend, as I can be moody and distant, but one thing I don’t believe I ever do (at least, not that I’m aware of) is maintain my friendships only when convenient to me.

Too often in my life have I heard the phrase, “I can’t do this, because ‘X’ and I have plans”, or “‘X’ is out of town, do you want to do something?”, and it’s really difficult for me to be on the receiving end of comments like this. What it feels like is being told “my life revolves around ‘X” and when ‘X’ is not available, I’ll use you to fill the gap,” rather than “you are an important part of my life and I want to spend time with you.”

I know that K. has dealt with this issue many times in her past as well, and it took her a long time to start confronting people about it, and doing so inevitably clears the air, although not always with the ability to maintain those “friendships”.

Do people ever realize that this is what they are doing? Or do they just not care?

To my friends, especially those out of state who may or may not read this blog … if the situation I’m describing is applicable to me, if I have acted in this manner towards you, then please, please accept my most humble and sincere apologies. Unfortunately, I’m pretty terrible about maintaining my friendships at all … but I really hope I’m not that bad.