I’m avoiding a conversation I haven’t wanted to have, because I’m not really ready to talk about it yet … But to be fair to the two of you, I feel like I should let you know.
Kim and I did decide to get a divorce, and filed in early February. Since the divorce was amicable and uncontested, we actually got a waiver of the normal 90-day waiting period, and the divorce was finalized on Tuesday, February 13th.
Utah is a community-property state, which means that each of us are entitled to half all of marital assets, including retirement plans and real property.
My 401(k) plan has a little more money in it than her 401(k) plan and the equity on the house combined, so in the interest of simplicity, I let her keep the house in its entirety, and we both keep our own retirement plans intact.
The toughest part for me, except for losing my best friend, is the very recent realization that in many ways, I am completely starting my life over, since I am no longer a property owner …
I am seeing a counselor, on a weekly basis, which is helping, and my focus for the next several months will be getting my personal debt load down so that I can better afford to move out of my current situation (with roommates), and get back into a place of my own sometime late this year.
If I can afford to buy a small place, that will be the plan, but unless I can find a screaming deal, I think I will more likely be renting.
Please be aware that Kim and I both tried to make this work for a long time; there is still a lot of love between the two of us, but right now it is healthier for both of us to be on our own.
We both realize that making a marriage work is a two-way street, and while we both had issues which contributed to the break-up, it’s very difficult for me not to shoulder the majority of the blame, because I was too afraid to really allow myself to be a part of the marriage; to be the partner and companion that Kim needed.
This is a huge part of what I’m working on with my counselor; I’ve learned a lot about myself, and am still learning more every day. And with this self-realization comes the knowledge that I don’t want to be the same person I have been in future relationships.
Kim and I still talk, nearly everyday … She is still, in many ways, my best friend. For now, she is still the primary beneficiary of my retirement plans and insurance, because should something happen to me, I can’t think of anyone better whom I’d rather make sure is taken care of. This may change as we both continue to heal, and grow, and move on to other relationships.
We may even eventually find our way back to each other; but we both know that we cannot count on that; that we need to live our own lives, and follow our own paths. If those paths intersect at some point in the future, we will both be different people than we are now, and who knows what will happen at that point in time.
For now, I am focussing on healing, and while it is often very difficult, I’m doing okay.
I am still not quite ready to really talk about this with a lot of people, including family, so please allow me to do this at my own pace, and rest assured that I am working on healing, not wallowing in misery (too much), and not getting self-destructive.
I’ll get there, and I do need your support, even if that support is simply the knowledge that you love me, and giving me the space I need to figure things out.
I love both of you, and especially want to thank both of you for the love that you’ve both shown to me over the past few months, even though it may not always seem that I’m being that responsive to it.
I am getting better, day-by-day.