Okay … so I talked with one of my friends about yesterday’s post; and my guts are tied up in knots … but I think we cleared the air, and I think we’re going to be okay.

Time will tell.

… I find myself wondering which of my friendships are real, and which are just friendships of convenience.

I know I’m not the easiest person in the world to actually befriend, as I can be moody and distant, but one thing I don’t believe I ever do (at least, not that I’m aware of) is maintain my friendships only when convenient to me.

Too often in my life have I heard the phrase, “I can’t do this, because ‘X’ and I have plans”, or “‘X’ is out of town, do you want to do something?”, and it’s really difficult for me to be on the receiving end of comments like this. What it feels like is being told “my life revolves around ‘X” and when ‘X’ is not available, I’ll use you to fill the gap,” rather than “you are an important part of my life and I want to spend time with you.”

I know that K. has dealt with this issue many times in her past as well, and it took her a long time to start confronting people about it, and doing so inevitably clears the air, although not always with the ability to maintain those “friendships”.

Do people ever realize that this is what they are doing? Or do they just not care?

To my friends, especially those out of state who may or may not read this blog … if the situation I’m describing is applicable to me, if I have acted in this manner towards you, then please, please accept my most humble and sincere apologies. Unfortunately, I’m pretty terrible about maintaining my friendships at all … but I really hope I’m not that bad.

NAMING

Let me tell you this once
(I will not be able to say it again):
I have lost the meaning of words.
Heavy, they ripped away from the sounds,
fell into cracked ground. For weeks
I scratched but what I dug up was
bicycle spokes, black melon rinds,
a smashed doll face—it was not meaning.
I don’t know what I am saying.

I exaggerate. Not everything is gone.
I still know perfectly what sugar means,
and pine needle. Laughter is more
of a problem. And yellow often slides,
a plate of butter in the sun.
The meaning of flower has gone entirely;
so has the meaning of love. Now it is safe
to say: I love you. Now it is true.

  — Nancy Mairs (b.1943), American essayist and poet.

Spring Snow

A spring snow coincides with plum blossoms.
In a month, you will forget, then remember
when nine ravens perched in the elm sway in wind.

but mind opens to the smell of lightening.
Bodies were vaporized to shadows by intense heat;
in memory people outline bodies on walls.

  — Arthur Sze (b.1950), Chinese-American poet

… spring was here …

From the National Weather Service:

Today: Rain showers likely before noon, then periods of rain and snow showers between noon and 3pm, then periods of snow showers after 3pm. Some thunder is also possible. High near 58. Breezy, with a south southeast wind 16 to 26 mph becoming west southwest. Chance of precipitation is 90%. New snow accumulation of 1 to 3 inches possible.

Tonight: Periods of snow. Low around 31. West northwest wind between 14 and 17 mph. Chance of precipitation is 90%. New snow accumulation of 8 to 12 inches possible.

Wednesday: Snow likely. Cloudy, with a high near 37. Northwest wind between 15 and 18 mph. Chance of precipitation is 60%. New snow accumulation of 1 to 3 inches possible.

Wednesday Night: A 40 percent chance of snow before midnight. Mostly cloudy, with a low around 30. Northwest wind between 9 and 13 mph.

… today totally sucked on the the bike.

I think I’m coming down with either a cold, or allergies are kicking up something fierce (despite the fact that my docs say I don’t HAVE any allergies).

I also remembered (finally) to use my inhaler before I took off; and I wonder if part of my struggles are due to it. Need to look up the side effects of Albuterol.

I was struggling to keep my heart rate below 160 when rolling easy on flat ground; much less trying to climb at all.

So … rode out 11th Avenue towards the University, past the cemetary, and turned back at the big gate. Then headed up City Creek Canyon to the water treatment plant, where I turned back again (instead of trying to go all the way to the top).

Mostly as easy as I could take it, but with a little effort just to force myself. It’s gonna take some time, but I will get back in shape again; no ifs, ands or buts about it.

And while I almost feel even more like shit now, at least I got out there and did something, instead of making excuses. Ultimately, this will make me stronger, as I am definitely not in fear of overtraining at this point.

Made it ALMOST all the way to the top of City Creek Canyon today; to the stone gate just by the Weeping Rock Memorial Grotto (area 29) in the linked map.

Another week or two if the weather continues to hold, and it should be completely clear to the top. Then I can start tackling Emigration Canyon.

178 on the scale the past couple of mornings. Also very nice to see the weight holding semi-steady below 180 for the first time in years.

Starting to feel like a cyclist again; and rumor has it that SlurpRib won the Rim Ride down in Moab today; 90 miles, 9 hours 45 minutes.

Okay, the rumor was started by Fox’s text message to me about 10 minutes ago.

I still think riding bicycles on sidewalks is gay, though.