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So now it’s sinking in …

… just how very much alone I am right now. And I don’t like it … I don’t like it at all.

It is so hard to open yourself up and put yourself out there; and when it doesn’t work, it’s so difficult to continue to do so, because of the fear of getting hurt again and again.

And how do you maintain friendships in those situations, when it seems like one day the connection is so strong, but the next it’s gone?

For more than 10 years I’ve been dealing with this to one extent or another, with one person or another, and it never gets easier … it only gets more difficult with each successive failure, especially the ones that were years in the making.

I spent so many years alone in San Francisco, that you’d think I’d be used to it by now, that it would be a familiar feeling … But there is a vast difference between being alone, and being lonely; and right now I don’t have the blessed feeling of solitude, but the crushing feeling of isolation.

2 Comments on "So now it’s sinking in …"

  1. You are not alone. You are lonely. Always remember that as long as you have friends, you are never alone – even when at times it feels that way.

  2. I understand being with many people can increase isolation sometimes, but…

    would it help to get out into the world and engage other people in a way that helps you feel more confident about the value in others and yourself? Something like a book discussion at a local bookstore, an opportunity to volunteer with others around town, some setting where you’re sharing with a person or persons and getting some connected human interaction in return?

    hang in there. Sounds rough, but if you can preserve even a small space of optimism it’s amazing what you can get through.

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