I didn’t think it was possible to have a shitty day skiing, thinking that even a bad day on the slopes is still a pretty good day. But I was seriously proven wrong today.
Barely 5800 feet of vert today. 5 lift rides, and off the mountain by 11:00 am. Head just wasn’t in the game, and I don’t really know why. Generally, a day at Solitude is good for clearing my head, but for some reason, nothing came together right today.
So now I’m home, in my pajamas, watching a movie that I already watched earlier today (”The Station Agent“, excellent movie, by the way).
Maybe it’s the tagline, “Loneliness is much better when you have got someone to share it with.”
That’s definitely I have been feeling lately … so very, very much alone. I don’t feel like I can even talk to the people who are closest to me about what’s going on, because they have their own issues they’re working through; and I don’t feel like the I know the new people in my life well enough to fully open up.
So I sit here and type this. Alone. Depressed. Feeling like life is passing me by, and I just can’t reach out to seize it.
21:33:08 on February 4th, 2007 1
Welcome to divorced life, my friend. I’ve been alone for five years now - whether I’ve been dating someone or not. When I can be positive about it, I think of it as one of the most extreme challenges in life - and remember that by dealing with it, I have become a better, stronger, more compassionate person. How many people truly know what it’s like to be alone? Not very many. I have faith in myself today largely because I know how to be alone, and I have learned how to value my own self worth, even though it has meant many, many nights crying my eyes out and feeling that bone-crushing pain of utter loneliness. People with kids or families (even if divorced) will never understand what it’s like to be TRULY alone in the world. Yet, they will also never have to do the soul searching we are forced to do. Because of that, they will never have the opportunity to (ok, be forced to) know who they TRULY are. Not who they are as a husband or wife, who they are as a mother or father, just who they are as a person.
It took me four years post-divorce to gain enough faith in myself to never again question my own self-worth, even when faced with the possibility that someone I care for deeply no longer wants or needs me in his life. *I* need me, so, no matter what, I am going to be there for myself. You need you, Steven.
Feel the pain, ask the questions, make decisions … just never work against your own best interest.
And don’t forget you have friends you can call on when you need support. No matter how strong any of us are, or feel we need to be, we NEED support from others.
Hang in there!