Depression

I really hate this process …

… and it’s obviously not very easy on K. either.

She thinks that I’ve been portraying her in a bad light when I’ve discussed her and the process of our break-up here. If I have, it was certainly not my intention to do so …

I feel that I’ve been more than fair in portraying her side of things, and shifting most of the fault for our marriage falling apart to myself, but that’s not the way that she sees things.

But since the stuff I’ve written is already out there, all I can do is explain. No excuses, just explanations and clarifications.

This blog is an exercise in sorting out my feelings, and as with anything that one does in life, what one does has an effect on others, and regardless of my intentions, the effect that my actions and verbalized thoughs had on the dissolution of our relationship has not been easy for her.

So, to put some things straight.

In my post from a couple weeks ago, in which I discussed the need to find a new counselor … K. came to that session, and things got worked out … we are both continuing to see her separately, with the understanding that if a true conflict of interest ever does arise, then we will make the decision of what to do at that time.

K. also thinks that my post in which I mentioned retrieving the rest of my belongings from the house makes it sound like she is forcing me to do this … but she has very kindly offered to allow me to keep my furniture there, until I can find a place of my own to live; either an apartment or the purchase of my own place. In fact, she has also, very generously I might add, offered to assist with a down-payment if I need it.

I guess I’ve been difficult because there is a part of me that really does not want to admit this failure, that wants to still try to make things work out, even though I know that it never will until we both work through all of our baggage (or cargo, as I’m wont to describe my own issues).

So, K. … I’m really sorry I wasn’t able to be the partner that you needed; I’m really sorry if anything I’ve done has made this process more difficult … I’ve actually told people I’m surprised at how easy it has been compared to what I’ve seen other people go through.

And I’ll keep working on my stuff, and you’ll keep working on your stuff, and one day, perhaps we can actually be friends again, which I know is something that you’d like, and something I’d like as well.

2 Replies to “I really hate this process …

  1. This has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done — to grieve all that was lost in our marriage and finally realize I could no longer honor the committment I made to both of us. We both struggled, and our failure as partners is not for lack of love. I care for you deeply and want you to find joy in living. -K

  2. You know I think highly of both of you… and I think you are equally handling this with maturity and with each others feelings in mind. That said, it says a lot about both of you and your character and though this may have been a “failure” it is merely a stepping stone in the evolution in both of your lives.

    I am forever working on my “stuff” and with both good and bad, I have to keep in mind it’s all about growth…

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