Several weeks ago, I wrote a post entitled “Neologisms“, in which I discussed “smittenness”.

I’ve got a couple new words to add to the list:

Crushiness (n): the state of having a crush on a new person. Yeah, this is kind of synonym for smittenness, but in some ways it very accurately described my emotional state.

Crushedness (n): the state of being devastated due to failure. A part of me is feeling this already, simply because of how close I am to my marriage finally being over. I’m just waiting to get the paperwork from K. to sign the divorce papers, then it’s just a matter of waiting for the judge to sign the order and waiting for it to become final.

In the meantime, I’ve met a few people recently in various states of availability and life situations … and of course the ones I’m drawn to the most are the ones with whom it would be most difficult to have a real relationship, either because a) I’m not ready to jump into something, but they’re looking for something long-term, or b) they’re in the same situation that I am …

I wonder if it’s the approach-avoidance thing that my counselor and I have discussed on a number of occasions; that I’m drawn to those that are the least available because it means that there will always be a little distance between us (so I don’t have to be completely open).

All I know is that there are people out there whom I really enjoy talking to, with whom I’m really comfortable sharing who I really am, even though I don’t really know them well … and that I don’t want to risk throwing away what could be a potentially wonderful situation because of how quickly things are happening.

I’m still scared of a lot of things … I’m afraid I’ll fuck up my future relationships as badly as I screwed up my previous ones, either by coming on too strong, or by not being available.

I have this marvelous knack for self-sabotage, in my job, in my friendships, in my relationships. It’s a pattern I’m truly working to break, because I don’t like being that person anymore, but it’s so difficult.

The word “just” keeps popping up in conversation … and I hate that word. I don’t ever want to be “just” anything … just friends, just a temporary distraction, just another guy, just another asshole who is afraid of commitment, just another freak, just Steven.

All things to talk about tonight, I suppose, when I go see my counselor.