I don’t want to scrap the relationship … but …

Maybe dating other people is part of figuring out what we want. I’m sure it will hurt no matter what happens, or with whom, but I have a particular problem with certain people and situations.

I don’t know if my negative feelings would be as intense if these situations didn’t bother me from day one, but I don’t think they would be. That’s the part I have a hard time with; what I was afraid was going to happen has happened, and with the person that I was afraid of.

I can certainly redefine the relationship … I’m just not sure I can redefine it in a positive manner.

I never said that it was anybody else’s fault. I said that “I have a problem.”

I own my feelings … but one has to acknowledge that feelings and emotions are influenced by another’s behavior. Feelings of loss and loneliness over the past few years were influenced by my behavior, by my lack of engagement … and I own my behavior as well.

My feelings are my feelings, my emotions are my emotions … and I can choose how I handle them, but other’s actions will influence them, and one shouldn’t expect them not to … nobody exists in a vacuum. People’s lives are influenced both directly and indirectly by everyone they come into contact with.

I want to be able to give what is needed. With work and deliberate mindfulness, I think I can give what is needed as a companion, a friend, a lover and spouse.

This is work I am willing to do, work I am doing, and work I will continue to do for myself, if no one else, regardless of what ultimately happens.

We chose each other, once … and while my actions expressed otherwise, in my heart, I never changed my mind. I am truly sorry for hurting you in all the ways that I have, and the ways that I continue to do so, however unintentionally.

I acknowledge the validity of your feelings.

I would like to be friends, but I don’t know if I can do that at the moment. Right now, it feels like a complete betrayal, and it hurts deeply.

Right now, I feel that the longer that goes on, the harder it will be for me to recover, just like the betrayal my lack of engagement has been difficult to recover from, if recovery is even possible.

We need to make some choices, about what’s important.

I am definitely not asking you to give up your happiness for me. I am telling you how choices affect me, and how they may affect my ability to be there.

I will do what I can do to be a friend, regardless … I can’t promise that I’ll be able to give all that is necessary. I can promise that I will do everything I can do, and give everything I can give. I know that happiness will come from within.

I will do my best to never allow my fears to affect my ability to be the best person I can be, and to never shut anyone out again.